New Blog

For anyone who is interested that might be reading this, I started another blog. It is personal and has very little to directly do with the initial purpose of this blog, i.e. South Africa. But feel free to read along with my life if you want: aaronasmundson.wordpress.com

Influence, Mattering, and Remembering

I found out today that someone I knew in college died. At the same time, I have been attending for the past few days a leadership symposium. These two things have really got me thinking so I am using this space, public as it may be, to sort out my thoughts. (in fact, I left the symposium early to try and write this down.)

Tracy Riddle was a very influential person for me while I was in college. I am not really even sure what her exact role was any more (Dean of Students? Director of Residence Life?), but its not her role that made her important. It was the style of person she was, someone who helped me immensely during a very difficult and confusing time in my life. Tracy, be setting an example, influenced my career choice to go into Student Affairs. And I have been left today, 11 years into my own Student Affairs career, wondering why. And think I've come up with a few answers.

College was rough for me. Sure, I had fun. And I made great friends. I even got pretty good grades. But it was rough to come out at a place and time when no one else was really out. I was struggling deeply emotionally, more than anyone knew, and this was compounded even more after my mother died sophomore year. I could have easily gone a different route and quietly faded away to try to find something easier and more of an escape from my own demons. But I didn't because I had people in my life who taught me to believe that I matter, that what I have to say is important, that I have skills that are needed to make things happen, that I have just as much chance to succeed and be happy as the next person no matter who I am. Tracy was one of these people who taught me this. A key figure, actually.

I ran into Tracy over the years at professional conferences and--though it was probably only subconsciously at the time--was always very excited to see her and show her what I was up to. That I had followed in her footsteps, that her mentoring and guidance made that happen.

I learned at lunch today that Tracy died. Immediately following, I went into the final session for the symposium I was attending. During this panel discussion, several panelists were offering how they got involved in the paths of leadership education that they chose. The word "influence" came up often. And as I thought about it for myself, I got involved in leadership education in the hopes that I could maybe just maybe show someone else out there that they matter too, that they have power, that they can make a difference...no matter who they might be. The way that people like Tracy showed me.

What a true tribute and memorial to Tracy! To sit there and think about how, as I learned that her life had ended I was also being shown just how important her living her life the way she had is helping me to live my own in a more meaningful way.

In fact, over the past few days I have surmised a clearer understanding of what I believe leadership to be: not just the ability to influence or make a difference (which is pretty much what I would have said before) but also to help others realize that they have the ability to influence and make a difference, too. In very meaningful ways. No matter who they are.

So thanks, Tracy. For your influence. I will cherish that like a found treasure.

Self Acceptance

I am currently really enjoying Lady Gaga's song "Hair." In particular, this one lyric stands out: "I don't wanna change, and I don't wanna be ashamed." It's basically the same idea of her entire song "Born This Way." I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way.

I was at a gathering last night where the main topic of conversation was Self-Acceptance. People's comments centered around a reading which asserts the notion that the key to peace, happiness, serenity is to accept life on life's terms and work to change what is able to be changed by first taking an honest look at what is what, the truth.

While I completely agree with this idea, and I can see how it works in my own life in immensely positive ways, as the conversation went on I felt myself getting increasingly frustrated and frankly really really judgemental and annoyed with those I was listening to. Now, that's my issue and not their issue for sure, but a few thoughts kept going through my head that agitated me.

First, what exactly is so awful about our lives and our selves that we have to really focus on accepting them? We have so much, so many resources that make our lives pretty darn good. It seems like a topic of conversation than begs a focus on the negative and neglecting the positive. How about accepting the things that are going well and the attributes that I see as great in myself? What about those? It seems like that would be more of an optimistic focus.

Yesterday was my birthday, so I was particularly reflective of what the past year has brought. During my year on earth of being 34 years old, I:
--Went to South Africa (twice)
--Traveled to Costa Rica
--Went to Colorado three times to hang out with my niece and nephew that I adore and they seem to enjoy our time, as well
--Vacationed in Miami with friends and spent a great time at Duke University with co-workers
--In addition to great travel, I gained and continued a loving relationship with Eric
--I have a job that challenges and fulfills me.
--I increased the amount of service opportunities that I do, giving back more than I have ever in the past
--Celebrated 2 years of sobriety
--Have a cute somewhat well-behaved dog that is a great companion
--Etc. Etc. Etc.

...so what exactly again do I have to complain about? What is so awful about my life that I need to really really focus on how to accept it as is? Sure, the other people in the meeting aren't me, but I also know that I am not unique enough to be the only person in the room who has great things going for them and wonderful experiences recently shared. But, the conversation never focused on accepting and looking at the wonderful things that we have, it mostly dwelled on the negative. This is wrong. That is wrong. I don't like this about myself. Life is hard.

Sure, maybe life is hard, and who I am to judge for anyone out there that it isn't. But I go back to my perspective gained from the people I met in South Africa. Do you have running water? Do you share an outhouse with 10 other families as your only bathroom? Do you have a job? Oh, a place to live, too? And it has a floor that isn't dirt? Fabulous. So what is it that was so awful about you or your life that you needed to focus on how to accept it?

Secondly, I really began to wonder whether everyone should focus on accepting life as it is as a start to improving it. Even writing that sounds ridiculous, but let me try to sort through my thoughts. I go back to the mindset discussion we had in Guguletu: the notion that there is still a mindset among black South Africans that they are inferior, a self-fulfilling prophecy to not get a good education, find a career, or whatever else could keep somebody down just from feeling that "less than others" is what they deserve.

Actually, I can kinda relate to this and see where it is coming from. Growing up, i didn't hear any positive messages about what being gay was like. And I knew fairly young that I was indeed gay. I had the mindset that if I were to ever come out and live life as a gay person, that it meant I was accepting a life that was somewhat less fulfilling or respectable than that of a heterosexual person. Even after moving to Minneapolis as a young adult, I can vividly recall driving by a big house near Lake Harriet and it was flying a rainbow flag out front. I remember being very surprised because in my mind gay people weren't rich or successful and could therefore never afford a house like that. I shocked myself because I could finally see what kind of beliefs were really ingrained in me: that I was less than other people.

It's really sad to read that now. How could I think that? How can anyone think they are less than? It's infuriating that somewhat should accept themselves as less than anyone else for any reason much less one that is out of there control. So, this is where the lesson of self-acceptance becomes a tough one to take. What if your view of self is so negative or so badly socially constructed that truly and honestly accepting that view means accepting a life less than you deserve? What if you don't know any better?

The lesson that I have learned in recovery around self-acceptance is that only by honestly accepting life as it is can we change it for the better. It is only then that we can clearly see who we really are and where we are really at. And, here's the really importance piece, no matter who you are, where you're at, what you have or don't have: YOU ARE JUST AS LOVED AND LOVABLE AS ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. Today, we are all exactly enough. It's the idea of faith: I believe in a loving God that gives me exactly everything I need to get through the day in a way that is useful, that I can be of service to others, and that I can stay healthy. Even if I don't see it, even if I doubt it, I truly believe that.

So, faith is the answer. I'm obviously still rattled by my South African experiences, but I have faith that I will find meaning from them and put them to good use for myself and others.

Sad Stories

So I'm back in Minneapolis. Physically anyhow. Not sure about mentally.

I was at lunch today with Eric and, being the nice and wonderful person he is, he told me that he wants to hear about my experience as much and as often as I want to talk about it. I'm not sure how I chose what to start with, but I spent the rest of the lunch talking about some of the disturbing trends around addiction and alcoholism that we learned about in the township. For example, the level of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in South Africa is one of the highest in the world. There are also alarming stories and statistics about how this contributes to issues of violence, abuse, incest, and rape.

I then went on to talk about a story we learned about one of the children at Rainbow House, a home for kids who have been removed from their families that we visited late last week. It was the story of a girl who had been living for the last 20 months with a registered pedophile. In his bed. The man had offered the girl and her father a place to stay in an affluent neighborhood. I'm sure the allure there outweighed the idea of being homeless or living in a shack somewhere hungry and desperate for food. But how in the hell does a registered pedophile end up with a child sleeping with him? For almost two years? The Man's brother eventually caught on and alerted the authorities. Now the girl is in a safe place except for the fact that the man showed up at the door asking to see her. The house is unlisted and it is unknown how he would have gotten the info. This is especially alarming since the girl walks to school each day.

And then there were the stories of children who leave places like Rainbow House when they are 18 with literally nothing but what they have at the time. Many of these children have no resources to get going and end up doing things like survival sex (having sex to make money to eat, live, etc) because they think that all they have to give is their body.

For a good 20 minutes or more at lunch I unloaded these tales onto Eric. Without even realizing i was doing it. So much for casual lunch conversation over our Chinese lunch combinations huh?

Honestly, I had no interest in telling him anything other than these stories. And if you came up and asked me to share about my trip I'd probably want to do the same with you. I don't want to talk about the penguins or baboons, or the food, or the scenery, or any of that stuff. I want to talk to you about HIV and disease and poverty and rape and other tragic things.

I've been left wondering today why that is. Like most things with this trip, I'm not sure I've reached any good conclusions. The best one I've come up with are two things:
1) I am so afraid of forgetting about what i experienced. Like these impacting things--these sad stories--will wash away as the days go by and I won't remember how affected I am by them
2) I want other people i know to hear about them who may not have had such experiences because I want them AND ME to think for a second about how privileged and healthy and resourceful and,well, easy are lives really are.

I told Eric that if I hear someone around me (including myself) complaining about anything here I would likely want to tell them to...well, I wouldn't handle it very well. To put it nicely.

And, thinking about it a bit more, and as I've alluded to all along in these blogs, I want to do something with this information. For example, Eric and i were discussing how I didn't hear of or know of any AA or NA meetings in the townships even though the rates of addiction are so high. How possible would it be to try and start one? Could I do that from here? How can people reover from these things if the don't have the resources to do so? The message of strength and hope that I've been given?

So this is a glimpse into where I'm at one day back home. I dont mean for this diatribe to come across as self-righteous or rude. Im just being honest about where i am at. I actually didn't really plan on writing anymore in this blog, but I needed an outlet to sort out some of what is in my head and this seemed like a good place to do it. Thanks for listening.

And it comes to an end

Really? It's over? Wow.

I just returned to my guest house from dropping the students at the airport. I saw them through til each had passed security so any parents reading this I can let you know that they made it to the plane alright. I will be following them tomorrow night. I have 24 hours left in Cape Town.

I am in disbelief that this all went by so quickly. If I can get deeply personal for a minute I'd like to reflect on why this trip is so important to me. Some people may be thinking that its just a trip. No biggie. And in some ways it is no different from any other short term excursion thousands of college students take every year.

I collaborated with a good friend to brainstorm this idea about 4 years ago. At the time it was something we wanted to do together, but as a new mom it would've been impossible for her to do so I continued to plan on my own. I took a week long trip here with a friend to check it out and I was deeply moved and affected by my experience. I talked it up with students and in may of 2008, 17 leadership minor students joined me for the first trip.

We had an amazing experience. Each of us was shaken in ways we didn't know we could be by the community and the people we met. Many of those first students are off all around the world now doing really cool things and I like to think that their experience here was part of that.

Here's the deeply personal part, but it's not something I am ashamed of so I don't mind sharing it. I was struggling with some of my own demons around addiction during this time, and I consider my trip to South Africa with the students to be the beginning of a turning point. I saw who I wanted to be a bit more and i didn't like my reality of my day to day life and who I was becoming. My time here that year was the most peaceful I'd felt in years. It took me 9 more months to finally ask for help, but the trip here in 2008 is a direct reason for that. I don't know if I really realized that til I came back here this time.

A second group of students came in may of 2009. Because of being newly in recovery and trying to take care of myself, I didn't join them. My friend and colleague Christen went with them in my place. Not being able to go with them and be part of their experience is one of the biggest regrets i have about my struggle with addiction.

As I have continued in recovery, working in twelve step groups, and finding a new spirituality and faith, I have ALWAYS had my sights set on getting back here. For several reasons I guess, but mostly because I knew that this place moves me and opens my eyes in ways that nothing ever has before.

But my doubts always crept in. Am I strong enough? What if it's too much for me? What if I have changed and this isn't right? What I'm not equipped to lead these students? All the damn what ifs. I hate the what ifs. It's always fear making decisions for me.

So, as I sit here now with the students on their way home, me tomorrow, having had a great experience all around, I find myself dizzy and honestly a little nauseous. Sure, I may feel that way for a lot of reasons, but I think it is at least in part because I have waited for this moment for a long time. And here it is.

Living life in recovery, it has been important to take note of doing the things in life that I never thought I could do. I never thought I could stay sober. For years, I had talked myself out of doing certain things because I didn't feel right, or enough, or strong, or whatever. And now I sit on the other side of an experience that is so meaningful to me, and it went well. Everyone got much from it. And i did it all living a new kind of life i didn't think possible.

In a way, too, I am sad because it was such a sight on my radar for a few years. What do I do now? This is a question that the students have been asking themselves a lot, and I am in the exact same boat. On so many levels and in so many ways, how do I move on from this experience and continue to the best of my ability to live a life of meaning?

New endeavors to explore, relationships to mold, goals to achieve, challenges to overcome. And it all just seems a little bit more possible than it did before. That, for sure, is a blessing.

Graduation Day

Fittingly, today was graduation day at the University of Cape Town. Today was also our last day of lecture during our time here, so in a way it was our graduation too. It was quite nice to see graduates walking around campus with their cap and gowns, proud families smiling on and taking pictures. It felt very familiar.

We had a wonderful discussion about citizen leadership. Again, I think the students will cover it nicely in their blogs, but it was a great note to end on: how can we, as normal everyday citizens, be better leaders in our own communities based on what we've experienced here? It was great to hear some of their goals. One that was consistent among almost every person was to stay more up to date on the news and what is happening in the world.

I also had the students do an evaluation of the outcomes they have gained in regards to global leadership in this class. They filled out this same evaluation on the second day of our lectures, the first Thursday we were here 15 days ago. One of the Ooen ended questions asked on the first eval was "what do you think is the importance or role of a community based on your current and past experiences?" and then on the eval today was the question "what are your insights about the role of a community as a result of your experience?"

One of the students answered the first question with this: "Communities bring people close on deeper levels. Plays a large role in how much one can learn and thrive. Stronger and better the community, the more one can learn and thrive."
The same students answered the second question with this: "Strongest aspect of life. When you are part of something bigger than yourself your life seems to have so much meaning. Community offers support, guidance, love, and acceptance. Who wouldn't want to feel that way?"

Many of the other answers were very similar to this. What I take away from comparing the two, with only 15 days between them, is the passion and emotion behind the second one. And the conviction. Like the necessity behind the thoughts. I am happy to know that so much learning and insight can happen in such a short amount of time. It's been exhausting, emotional, difficult, but it has been so so so rewarding, heartwarming and empowering.

Less? More? Never Keep Score.

You may have noticed that I really haven't been interested in giving a day by day account of what we have been up to. I have been more interested in sharing the topics on my head in relation to my time here. Not necessarily linear in manner, but just as they bubble up. If you are interested in what we have been up to (such as a wine excursion day, Robben island, a food bank tour, as well as all of the events of our week in Gugs) the student blogs do a great job of sharing those experiences.

We are definitely starting to wind down our trip. Tomorrow is the last day of our actual class time. We then have a few more small excursions tomorrow afternoon, some of the students are going diving with sharks on saturday, then they are off the airport on Sunday and I leave on Monday. The time has really flown by.

This morning I felt like we were able to really make some headway on figuring out some leadership lessons from our experiences. I think the students will be blogging about that, as well. It was a great discussion and they did a great job of pushing their thinking and ideas in regards to who they are and what they believe as leaders.

One of the most enjoyable things about my job is that it is a relief to see young people who are so interested in the world around them and making it a better places through their own efforts. I sometimes get discouraged when I see all the things happening around me that piss me off, sadden me, or just disturb me for being wrong for whatever reason. And these students who want to learn about leadership can turn that around for me. I like to know my world is taken care of, and it certainly is in the hands of these learner.

Some of us went to Monkeybiz today to do a little gift buying, and there was a poster on the wall with a poem on it. The last two lines were this:

There are lessons in life you live
And others you simply learn.
My lesson is that the best gifts,
Are those that give back in return.

In this world we also learn
Some people have less,
Some people have more.
The most important lesson though,
Is to never keep score.

I really think it sums up this trip and this course very well. We have lived a lot over the short time we have been here. And we are certainly learning a lot, as well.

I also know that one of the huge blessings of an experience such as this one is that I receive so much from being here that I think helps me to be a stronger, more selfless, more giving person. Even if in little ways. I hope that is true.

And the last stanza is what I really take away. What is important is not what I "have" in comparison to others. I don't need to place value on being more than or less than in any way. The minute I size people up against each other is the minute I denigrate someone and falsely pride someone else. And it just isn't necessary. I have learned lessons about community that tell me that I need my neighbors just as much as they need me. We must work together. As Spiwo said in his sermon at church, the day I don't need to borrow a cup of sugar from my neighbors is a sad day indeed.

So I guess this post is about lessons I've learned. Or maybe they're all about that? I really don't think about what I'm going to write until I sit down and write it on most occasions. I think I am simply desperately trying to hold onto my experiences and learn from them because I fear that i will forget them quickly and I don't want to. I don't want to forget Lindile, Mama Titi, lessons about presence, understanding more about my identity, getting over fear and finding courage, learning to be vulnerable again. These are but a few of the gifts I have been given back from the communities here.

Grateful.